On Ovulation

I've found that I'm quite a bit anxious this month for ovulation to finally arrive. I seem to ovulate shortly after cycle day 20...it's varied in the two months I've temped, but always AFTER day 20. As that time period rapidly approaches, I find that I'm getting more and more on board with 'making a baby' for lack of a better phrase.

I'm enjoying myself...well, we both are, because with all the focus on NOT conceiving for the past three years, and then the previous pregnancy with all its complications, sex has not been what it's meant to be for quite some time. That's not to say we haven't been finding creative ways to satisfy one another in the meantime! it's just that it's infinitely more enjoyable and relaxing to be able to turn to the one you love in the middle of the night without all the complications and concerns that come with 'prevention'.

Anyway, as ovulation nears, I'm also keenly aware of my cycle dates, of the lifespan of sperm, of the intimate goings on of my body as it prepares itself for the possibility of a pregnancy. It's a lot to think about. And such an amazing thing that we are even capable of...to create another life...simply amazing...

Adding to our family

I think it's more 'for certain' than any other idea we've come up with before, so its just about decided that we'll be heading back up north at the end of our lease. I'm pretty excited about it...honestly. I love the family up there, and it will be nice for hubby and I to have some time to ourselves what with all the eager babysitters around!

In other much more exciting news (in my opinion), we've decided to try again for #2. I'm very excited, but also already psyching myself out. I have literally no worries over how long it takes to GET pregnant...in fact, I'd almost enjoy a bit of 'trying', but with our history, I'm more concerned that we will immediately fall pregnant and then run a high risk of enduring yet another miscarriage. I'm still confident enough in my body's ability to conceive and carry to term that I'm not yet willing to seek help for our (seemingly) high number of miscarriages, but it has already tainted this next pregnancy. I'm trying very hard to push aside my concerns. I know that miscarriages are much more common than many people realize. I also know that the chances of conceiving a healthy fetus and carrying to term actually increases in the cycles directly after a miscarriage (a time-frame that still applies to me). And, more importantly, I do know that I'm young, and if this next one results in a miscarriage, then there more than likely are easy 'medical' remedies to the problem.

To help ease my worries, I've already decided that there will be no pregnancy testing this go around. I have been taking my basal body temp for the past two cycles in an effort to naturally prevent a pregnancy, and I will continue to do so as we now proceed in hoping to conceive. Once I see a pattern of 18 post-ovulatory temps without a drop, then I can confidently proceed as pregnant.

One thing I've been debating...knowing that I will be temping at least that long into a pregnancy, is whether or not I might gain peace of mind by continuing to temp further into the first trimester. I know that the signs of a miscarriage may often occur BEFORE  drop in temperature is detected, but I also know that the opposite can be true....that a drop in temperature will be detected before any signs of a miscarriage present. Would I gain anything from that extra knowledge...or would any slight fluctuation in temperature freak me out knowing that my concerns are as valid as they are...

I should probably not temp past 18 days. lol

I'm hoping that if we conceive easily, that we are still near family, and I can benefit from all that extra support and attention to help the time fly by until I feel 'safe' within the pregnancy. And, who knows...perhaps this pregnancy will come with its own peace of mind at conception...perhaps my body will register a strong implantation, ect... and give me feelings of ease within those first months.

Either way, I'm excited to be realistically contemplating adding to our little family. I plan to enjoy every bit of it that I can as I'm honestly not sure if there would ever be another.

What to Do...Again.

Well, perhaps I was a bit quick to assume we'd thought up a definite plan. Not that we hadn't...we had, the map app was in high use as I went ahead and planned out our route, our definite stops, and the maybes...but then we found out that the car we were borrowing needed to be driven 10 hours out of the way for an inspection. By the end of the month.

Sigh.

Oh well. I'm not too upset about the possibility of ending up north for another family visit, but I worry that the car simply can't handle a twenty hour roundtrip before we even START towards Florida! After all, it does have  something like 200k miles on it!!

So, now we're in the thought process of figuring out what to do...once again.

At least we're finally seeing some price pick-up for Bitcoin!

We've decided!

Not a big picture solution to our 'where is home?' 'how do we want to live?' questions, but a short term solution that seems do-able and has us both excitedly looking forward to the end of our current lease.

We're off to Florida! We're thinking of going more mobile though, probably renting out of extended stay hotels for a week at a time in various 'base' cities and then spending our days exploring the surrounding areas attractions. There's a wealth of touristy attractions in Florida, and I've definitely always had an interest in seeing Florida although actually living there is another story. But, how knows, maybe we'll find that Florida is what we've always been seeking!

So far, I've been working on a rough itenerary. Looks like Savannah, GA is our first stop for a week.

The Second Child Question

Now that the miscarriage is well behind us...as in, life has continued forward at that break neck pace that comes with a growing toddler leaving me with just little snatches here and there in my days to contemplate what was lost, I've had this growing sense of the sacrifice it is to my one child to add another.

That's NOT to say that I'm seriously considering only ever having one child. By no means! I don't know what it is, evolutionary predilection of a species to want to produce in large numbers in times of plenty (which surely modern life qualifies), or the fact that I'm obsessed with birth and babies and want the chance to experience all of that again in this calmer, more observant place at which I now sit. Whatever it is, there's just no way I'd ever consider K to be my first AND last child. But, he IS my only child for the moment, and I'm ever more conscious of how much I give him, how much of me he takes, and what little there is left over for myself...much less another child!

A lot of people talk about the 'gifting' of a sibling to their first child. As though they're having a second simply to provide a playmate for their first. Which, is not a good reason. (or so I think) And, while I did, while pregnant with this past baby, think often of how great the two of them would get along, and how much my first WOULD enjoy the addition of a second, it was never a primary reason to have a second. Nor should it have been, because, as I see very clearly now, the addition of a second to a family structured such as ours is only taking AWAY something from the first and giving back very little in return.

Yes, there might be a time when they were playmates, and social skills developed more easily, or when the various 'mom'/parenting moments of the day seemed more 'fun' because of the dynamic of two children rather than one, but, mostly, I'd be draining away a good deal of my time away from my first.

Obviously, this isn't a horrible thing in my mind. There comes a time in every child's life when they can't have Mother around all the time, obviously. But, I wonder at the forcing of it. But, then what's the option, wait until my child avidly asks me for a sibling? Wait until he's grown and no longer needs much of my time? I don't have any answers because it's not really a thing I'm actually contemplating that hard. Given the right timing, yes, I'd have another right this moment, but while I'm waiting, I've been noticing....

Fevers: A Personal Revelation

Last night, I was led to bed by my awakened (nearly!) 3 year old who was begging for more cuddles in the 'big' bed. Cuddling close to one another, I realized with a bit of surprise that he was feverish. Now, having been a mother for the whole course of his life, I will say that this particular fever bout was one of the mildest sorts...but it still made me think how much I've grown into my role of a stand-back parent. The sort that lets nature occur as it will with only the slightest nudges when appropriate or desired. Meaning that when a fever comes knocking, I just wait and watch and push the liquids.

Fevers are one of those things that we grow up to think are awful, horrible, scary signs of illness that should be smothered down to 'acceptable' ranges of human body temperature with all sorts of immune suppressing medications. Or, at least, that's how I was generally raised. My mother would get all sorts of anxious whenever one of us would show signs of a fever, and, rightly so, we always felt AWFUL whenever one of us was suffering with one, so it made sense that somehow this thing....this FEVER was dangerous and should be cause for alarm.

Of course, now that I've come to know what I know, and think what I think, I realize that fevers are GOOD. The body is fighting off infection...the body is waging war against some foreign invader that it perceives as a threat and the battle is so intense that it's creating excess body heat. (or, something like that) This is GOOD because it means that the body's defenses are reacting appropriately...that the body has taken charge of the situation, and given the extra rest and fluids to keep away dehydration will more often than not come out the victor. It's what our immune system is supposed to do and, believe it or not, it's very successful. After all, we've survived millenia as a species.

As a mother, my role is to watch. To be aware of a fever when it presents and then to wait and watch. I try to keep us home, and entertain the boy with games and diversions that are easy on the body and involve lots of extra cuddles. I keep his water cup constantly re-filled and urge him to drink more, and do little else to signify that anything at all is 'wrong' with him. Occasionally, his appetite is also gone and then I cook up a bit of homemade bone broth and brown rice, or we make slushy smoothies out of fresh fruit for an extra vitamin C boost. But, nothing excessive. Nothing to let him know that I think he's in 'danger' or that I'm any more 'aware' of him than when he's perfectly healthy and bounding around like a mad man.

Now, there have been some fevers in the past that were excessive. I can think of two that had me very concerned to the level that I was unable to sleep through the night. In one case, we ended up needing a antibiotic shot the next day after the illness itself presented with a very disgustingly bloody eye and a fever that had raged for far beyond my comfort level. Still, even in that case, I'm thankful we waited as long as we did and treated it as normal for as long as we could because we were lucky enough that the illness (a version of conjunctivitis) was easily identifiable to the doctor and not yet life threatening, something we were praised for by the doctor.

The second case of fever died off on its own but I did intervene with one dosage of children's Tylenol after the poor boy became flushed all over his body and the fever had raged at an 'uncomfortable' feel to me for much longer than I could relax through. Or, and this is important to mention, more than the boy himself seemed comfortable with. After the one dosage, the fever continued for another day or two, but at a less concerning level and we were able to wait it out.

When I realized that we were in our latest run in with 'fever', I was pleased to see how little concern it arose in me. How confident I was in the boy's ability to fight off whatever it was without my intervening. It's something worth writing about ;-)

How Doctor's Die

My partner found, and forwarded, this interesting post to me concerning how doctors die. Or, more specifically, how doctors choose to turn down many of the invasive "life-saving" options when faced with their own preeminent deaths.

The article makes the claim that many doctors know far too well that many of the tactics available to those faced with news of an impending death are painful, dehumanizing, and (often) thought of as worse than death by their patients. So, doctors take their knowledge of the medical technology available, the realistic quality of life expectations gained by interventions and often choose to wait out their own deaths within the peace and calm of their own homes and family with orders to avoid resucitation, or life support at all costs. They then go on to die in relative comfort having turned down many of the very things they would ordinarily suggest or actually DO to their own patients.

I found it very interesting, and it was a wake up call for my partner that when we concern ourselves with pregnancy and birth and the naturalness of it that does not call for it to take place within the medical community (more often than not). We are also calling attention to the medical community in general and MANY of the practices currently in use that are not called for and would not be chosen if people were EDUCATED about their options and the possible results of each choice. In realistic terms.

For example, I wish that every woman who gets anxious about 'waiting for labor' and agrees to a doctor's suggestion of induction KNEW the story of my doula client who literally suffered in a fevered haze for over 36 hours before finally becoming yet another (unwarranted) C-section case that had life-altering reproductive implications upon her future. But, unless they want to dig up that information, it's not there. The doctors certainly aren't sitting down their clients and spelling out in very layman's terms the risks imposed by the very nature of birthing in a medical environment. They certainly aren't making it clear that their priority is liability FOLLOWED by patient's health!

All very disturbing, and interesting to see that many doctors DO realize the base philosophy of enough is enough. There's a point at which we don't meddle because it's worse in the sense of quality of life if we do. And, that given the choice, one would ultimately choose to live their life to the fullest...not to the longest, most bitter end.

You can find the aforementioned post here,
 http://zocalopublicsquare.org/thepublicsquare/2011/11/30/how-doctors-die/read/nexus/